An ugly job, but it’s a living

Do they have trailer parks in Philly?


A talking head from Philadelphia got busted in New York early yesterday morning for assaulting a plainclothes NYPD officer. The Emmy awarding winning (they give Emmys for reading the news from a teleprompter??) talking head creature, Alycia Lane, was involved in an incident that started with a dispute between a companion and some plainclothes NYPD officers. According to the Philadelphia Daily News:

She was nabbed at 2:04 a.m. at 17th Street and 9th Avenue in lower Manhattan, said New York City police spokesman Sgt. Carlos Nieves. Lane, 35, her current honey, Q102 morning host Chris Booker, and another couple were in a cab behind a slow-moving unmarked cop car, the New York Post reported. One of the males jumped out and headed to the police vehicle, screaming, “I don’t care if you’re a cop, drive faster!” the newspaper said.

We just love it when people say shit like that.

The reaction was about what you might expect. The cops probably exchanged looks of incredulity, briefly wondered if they were on some sort of hidden camera show, and then in unison exclaimed, “Oh, reeeaalllly?” All followed quickly by hurried un-assing of their mobile policing platform, showing of badges, assertion of a command presence and a rapid investigation to determine the specific nature of this person who was vigorously attempting to endear himself to them. Idiot, drunk, arrogant ass, or some combination of the three?

What could a group of plainclothes NYPD cops working in lower Manhattan driving slowly down the street be doing? Gawking at the big buildings? Looking for an all night Chinese take out place? Or, is it possible, they might have been doing their job? I’m betting the latter is the case and Mr. “Drive Faster” diverted them from whatever police task they were engaged in and made himself the focus of their attention. He could have elected to stay in the taxicab fuming at the cops, or he could have patiently waited and engaged in pleasant conversation with his companions. Or, he could jump out of the taxi and act like a fool.

He chose…poorly.

At some point Alycia became involved and started taking photographs of the goings-on.

It is a little disconcerting trying to do one’s job while someone is photographing or taping you. Aside from being concerned if they are getting me from my good side, wondering if the lighting is right for my skin tone and fretting about my hair, what I really am concerned about is their interference. Because they never just stand there quietly and take their pictures – they have to be vocal about it.

A confrontation is necessary because it is street theater after all. Besides, without someone screaming it at me, I would never realize the importance of the powerful people whose behavior I was investigating.

I’m getting this all on camera. Do you know who I am? You are going to be so screwed when this comes out. I’ll have your badge for this! ‘Rodney King! Rodney King!’

and so on ad nauseaum. It’s damned difficult to handle one disruptive person without another standing next to you, poking their camera in your face, and publicly indicting you as Adolf Eichmann reborn. Or, God forbid, questioning your sexual orientation.

The female cop asked her to step back and that’s when Lane lost it, according to the Post. According to the police complaint, the Emmy-winning anchor yelled at the female police officer, “I don’t give a f— who you are, I’m a f—ing TV reporter, you f—ing dyke.”

Acting foolishly or being rude is not necessarily a crime. It depends on the exact nature of one’s foolishness or rudeness. I’ve had plenty of people scream and shout at me and we’ve managed to work it out without anybody going to jail. But there are lines that really shouldn’t be crossed if someone doesn’t want to turn a confrontation into a legal problem. Hitting me in the face is more than sufficiently across my personal standards of acceptable behavior, not to mention the legal standards for assault, that it will win you a trip to jail each and every time.

Alycia, speaking through her mouthpiece attorney, denies everything. And while the charges have yet to be proven, you can understand her concern about her reputation. Being low class and getting arrested for early morning buffoonery is the in thing for the famous and wannabe famous, but denigrating a Lesbian American is an unforgivable crime in our politically correct society. If she really said the things that were attributed to her, she could find herself employed as an Emmy-winning hostess at Denny’s.

Ms. Lane has not previously appeared on my radar screen, so I went Googling in search of more information about our Emmy-winning arrestee. From a New York Post article earlier this year (and found numerous other places on the internet) comes this little tidbit:

FOXY Philadelphia TV reporter Alycia Lane is in hot water after a series of private e-mails and saucy snapshots she sent to handsome NFL Network anchorman Rich Eisen were intercepted by his wife [Suzy Shuster]. A seething Shuster wrote [in a return email to Lane]: “Boy, do you look amazing in a bikini . . . congrats! Whatever you’re doing, (Pilates? yoga?) keep doing it – it’s working for you. Anyway, sorry but those seven e-mails you sent to my husband, Rich, well, oops, they came to the e-mail address we both use from time to time, but no worries, I’ll forward the beach shots as well as the ones of you dancing with your friends on to his main address. Do you have it?”

She then provides her hubby’s private e-mail, “since you surely are trying so hard to get his attention. I mean, what better way to get a guy’s attention than with skin! Best – Suzy Shuster Eisen”

Now Suzy sounds like she has some class, not to mention a sharp wit and a sense of humor. It’s obvious that she didn’t think much of Alycia and didn’t consider the blatant husband-trawling as a credible threat. That makes me wonder how well Alycia pulls off the bikini look if Suzy forwarded them on to her hubby.

Alycia denied any bad intentions were present in what she emailed and claimed that her relationship with Suzy’s husband was strictly platonic. That happens to me all the time. Damn near every day one of my platonic women friends send me some bikini shots just because we’re such good pals.

Hey Cerb, I’m sending these to you because I value your friendly platonic advice. Do you think my boobs are too big? By the way, I’m going to be in town next week, how about we get together for a cozy platonic cocktail in the lounge at my hotel?

Every day this kind of shit happens to me.

The only thing missing from this story is the mention of a trailer park. You would think that certainly all of this class would have had to have rolled into a trailer park at some point.

For those of you in our viewing audience playing the home version of our game, How Not To Get Busted, remember this simple rule: When you’re unhappy about some police action (or lack thereof), a dumb thing to do is to run up to the officer and start screaming commands and obscenities. Even the nicest and most patient officer you’ve ever met will eventually tire of the situation and start thinking of the elements of laws and ordinances that you might be violating. And there are thousands of them – that although seldom used are still quite effective. The only time I ever arrested anyone for “Driving onto block where fire apparatus being used” was to a guy who just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let him drive through all of firetrucks and firefighters to get to Wendy’s before they closed. At the third “Fuck you, you can’t stop me from driving down a public street!” I remembered that offense and used it to settle the argument.

If your frustration gets out of control and you decide to hit an officer – you’ve made the decision and also eliminated the need to ponder lesser-known laws.

The sound move is to file a complaint with the police agency. While that option may not salve your righteous anger or fuel one’s over-inflated sense of self-importance, it will generally keep you from being topic of coffee break conversations: You wouldn’t believe this idiot I arrested.

6 responses

  1. At least she doesn’t work for NASA.

    Uh, never mind. 😉

    17 December, 2007 at 10:29

  2. I don’t envy Nowak her fate of diaper infamy. What a way to end a career that took so much work and dedication to put together.

    My belief is that most of us have internalized society’s norms to the point that as long as society is working (lights, water, cops, etc.) that we will maintain an even keel. The minority that wants to do as they please will always be here. But I’m constantly amazed by the ones with a lot going for them who unleash their inner lowlife. Did Lisa Nowak have some biological imperative that she had to have her man and no matter what society said she was going to Florida to kill that hussy bitch? Or was she defective and her facade just cracked under the right kind of strain.

    17 December, 2007 at 11:58

  3. In RE: Suzy Shuster. The site got a ton of hits today from people searching for her name. That got me curious about Suzy. Quick read:

    1. On the homewrecker incident, definitely handled with class and wit.
    2. She does blog, sort of, and from that I discovered she has a potty mouth, as evidenced by some recent post titles:
    “I got into a fight with a giant douche bag this morning”, “Boobs on boobs” and “My dog has no balls.” We could have bilingual communications in both English and Profanity. More points for Suzy.
    3. Her blog is published on Huffington Post. And it was looking so good until I read some of the things she wrote.

    RE: Alycia Lane: More detailed report indicates that the male passenger in the taxicab was irritated at being stuck behind the slow moving police car. When they stopped at a red light he jumped out and confronted them, at which time the officers explained who they were and that they were looking for a suspect. Mr. “I’m in a damn hurry” then launched into his temper tantrum that sparked the events that led to Lane’s arrest.

    According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, Alycia Lane has decided to start a planned two-week vacation earlier. Her employer claims it is taking a “wait and see” approach on allowing her to actually come back to work at the end of that “vacation”. My earlier reference to Ms. Lane’s potential future employment at Denny’s may not work out. From reading the job description of Hostess, I think she may fail to meet some of the qualifications:

    You play a special role for Denny’s customers. Your warm, friendly greeting that welcomes each customer into our restaurant sets the stage for a positive dining experience. Your ability to engage in friendly conversation with the guest is key as you perform duties such as seating, offering menu suggestions,

    17 December, 2007 at 19:28

  4. The part about you getting those bikini shots every day was hilarious! I thought the whole “I sent them cuz we’re platonic friends” bit wasn’t very credible either when I read it the first time.

    17 December, 2007 at 20:15

  5. If they were in the photo together – it would be harmless.
    If they were brother and sister, or maybe cousins – it would be (God I hope so) harmless.
    If he were gay and she wanted advice/comments on her fashion sense – that would be harmless.

    If she sends it to anybody else, while she may not be thinking of doing the nasty with the recipient, she definitely wants him thinking about it.

    18 December, 2007 at 16:26

  6. If they were in the photo together, his wife would have killed her….and then him:)

    19 December, 2007 at 13:18

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