Staying Low

In the next few weeks I will visit the headquarters of my employer for the first time in two years. It will be the last time I enter as an employee because I am dropping by to claim my retirement. If you hear a loud “pop” sound, that will be my greedy mouth being pulled away from the nipple on the big blue tit.

While building this blog I had a few moments in which I thought I could do away with my anonymity. After further reflection I opted to remain Cerberus, an unnamed cop working for retired from the Some City Police Department.

There are good reasons for staying under the radar. One evening, while influenced by strong drink and an atmosphere of tale telling, I revealed the existence of this blog to a few co-workers. The clamor demanding the location was resounding and as I thought about providing them the address to the blog, I suddenly realized that I had written about everyone present.

I’m not in the habit of writing bad things about friends, but their occasional faux paus have given me blogging ammunition in the past. And to be brutally honest, they will no doubt continue to arm me with blogging fodder for years to come. What I saw as humor and wit might be seen as a full frontal assault. It’s difficult enough keeping friends under normal circumstances without tossing a rhetorical hand grenade into the relationship.

My soon to be former employers will certainly continue to do the things they have always done. While there have been moments I wanted to go on Jihad against certain idiots, I nixed that idea as long as I was getting a paycheck. It’s not prudent to bite the hand that is paying you, and I didn’t want to get the call to stand before the man on the 16th floor to explain myself. After which somebody would haul me off to the23rd floor to start the immediate outprocessing.

I prefer not to be Dooced before my time. Or perhaps in this field we should now start using the term “Loved”:

A Wichita Falls police officer whose Web page on MySpace.com included images of dismembered women has been indefinitely suspended, city officials said.

Indefinitely suspended – without pay – is police bossspeak for “fired”. Brother Love is planning an appeal, claiming that it was all about his love for the horror movie genre. Without seeing his site, I can’t say for sure, but there may be more to it than the Love man claims.

…and he had comments about quote “tasering homos while working the game”

It can be like that in this profession. If you step on your wang in a very public way, and the media jumps on you like you’re an open bar at a journalist convention, you will be amazed at how quickly you find yourself as the night shift manager at Bob’s Burger Barn. That’s more drama that I’m willing to live with.

Once the retirement kicks in, I could opt to more closely comment on the real world Some City – but my coworkers aren’t stupid and eventually they would put the real me and Cerberus together. Face it, the only reason Clark Kent never got outed was because Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen were dumbasses. Some of the people I worked with have been accused of doing some dumbass things from time to time, but it doesn’t mean they’re stoopid.

I’m sticking with the Cerberus thing as long as it works for me. And if I ever get accused, I’ll do the only thing that makes sense. I’ll lie my ass off.